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| Monday, November 3rd, 2008 | | 5:35 am |
Phoenix from the ashes
Been a looooOOOooong time since I wrote here, and I dont know why exactly since I loved making a blog entrance every now and then. I guess I needed time to grow and find something to say. I must admit I am not the same person as I used to be before. A great deal of change has happened in my life since last time I wrote here, and I am about to tell you about it right now=O) First of all, during my last confession here I was in a state of a long-term deppression (As you may see I am talking about years & years of suicidal thoughts and angst and scitzophrenia) I know I have written a great deal of self complaing bullshit here over the years, at that time in my life I wrote (everywhere)to try resolve problems and get it out of my chest. I am sorry for this but it doesent make it any less true... But everything has changed since then! During May 2007, I met this great guy online. You know the deal, we started chatting and one thing led to another. So we desided to meet in "real life" after a while. To say it straight, we`ve almost been together everyday since=O) We fell in love instantly and we have been a couple for 1/5 year now. His name is Lars Andreas, a blues/Rock guitarist, (SO sexy! SO hot! In EVERY way you can imagine) Im still feeling those butterflies in my stomach every time I wake up and realise I still have the most beautifull and warm-hearted boyfriend=O) Ìn the process we`ve had our share of up`s and Down`s, believe me! Beeing in a serious relationship is not easy at times, there`s hard work to be done to make it wortwhile and long-lasting. But I made my choice to stick with him for better or for worse, because I see this relationship as my first "REAL" one... And Im not changing my mind on that one. I lost my old appartment, and my roomie with it. We had two years of fun togheter, but we got kicked out and I foolwed my own path, like she follwed hers. And Those paths did not cross each other... Sadly, but thats how it went. I stayed a while in my boyfriends appartment, a fire at his own place led us (curiously) closer togheter and when he found a new place to live (around the time I got kicked out myself) he offered me a place to stay. And boy, did my life change! My period of sex, drugs & Rock`n Roll FULLY blossomed! At times it went out of proporsions, but I always managed to come down from it. After about half a year at his place I desided to find my own place back in Asker. At that time we had allot of stupid fights and agreed that his place was just too small for us, we needed some space and I dont regret thinking that was a wise decision. So my "little helpers" in Asker found me this collective house and gave me a room where I moved in. Basically it was a form of mental-institution since we had people watching over us day & night! I soon found this to be very tiresom and got more deppressed than ever. The only thing keeping me from going insane at times was my boyfriend. I tried to get my life straight by joining a guitar-class etc etc... But I didnt find anything innteresting, and felt like I was about to suffocate in my room ALL the time I spendt my time there. So I basically continued living at my Boyfriends place. But this time we stopped fighting, and grew closer togheter than ever... After a year like that, we reach present day.... I have just packed my things at that "house of horrors" and are about to move to Hokksund, where my boyfriend lives. I got an offer to rent a room at a good friend of ours, and I recon I will be her room-mate by the end of this week. This way I am saving allot of money + I`m closer to the love of my life at the same time=O) So you see, I am not that sad pathethic little boy anymore. And I made it this far without killing myself *applause* Haha=O) Still, when a problem disappears a new one always dig itself up to the surface. I still have allot of issues concerning life`s elementary school. Honestly spoken these issues evolve around sexual problems, loss of friends, money (like always), anxiety and paranoia.... I always fear things to be too good to be true if you know what I mean.... My relationship is far from perfection, but he makes me happy... *And I love him with every single heartbeat* There`s just some things that need some fine pollishing and a dose of time... And I have ALL the fucking time in the world=O) Im going home to my family up north for a while this week, when Im finnished moving to a new place. Basically im leaving to "rehab" myself a little because of all the heavy drugs. I cant go on like this anymore, it`s eating my soul... I need some time alone to rest a bit before christmas and all that. Besides my friend Hecky really needs me to come home. She`s going through a rough time in her life right now, and Im her only close friend. And I need to break out of this surrealistic reality to get healthy and strong in my mind again... I am a drug addict, and this wasnt supposed to happen. Tho it did, and now it`s time to get serious and stop! Will I make it? Only GOD knows... But I WILL make it a hard try- then we`ll see....I just wish my boyfriend would do the same. I am SO terribly afraid that the drugs will be the reason of our "break-up" one day... And I know it`s ten times harder for him, but I pray everyday.... I dont want to loose him because of shit from shitty people in their shitty countries making its way into people`s shitty assholes in a condom into Norway.... I love him way too much... I will try to make an effort and write here more often, both about my life & my LiveJournal Fantasy STORY about Wyverex and his quest into another dimension... I will soon present some of Neil Gaiman`s "Endless" into the story, so keep reading=O) With that I say "Welcome back" to myself and light a cigarette=O) Have a nice one untill next time! _Wyverex_Altered_Reborn_Wyverex_ Current Mood: Cancelled... | | Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007 | | 4:54 am |
§The Sentinel§
Catherine grabbed my hand and smiled as the shadow from the dark came into the light of the little lantern. And suddenly my heart just calmed down as if she absorbed my fear and replaced it with something calm. "Hello Wyverex..." this dark grumsy familliar voice said, as his face came into sight. I knew at once that I had seen him somewhere before... "We meet again, I am sorry it had to be under these circumstances, but you see it was important I got to have a talk with you..." It was the master himself. Catherine greeted him and gave him a hug, as I didnt exactly know what to say or behave. I got nervous. This was the mysterious man that had led me into the pyramid at the beginning of my journey, this was the very reason I had experienced so much lately. And I felt I would have some answers soon...and it made me very nervous. "I...I dont understand" that was all I managed to say at this point. He sat down before me and took my hand as if he was thrilled to see me alive, I had`nt seen his face before, it was very pale, nearly white. His eyes was deep and hypnotizing and they were shining even in the dark. He had a black silky robe that was torn in the edges and pitch black busty hair. "You have come far since the last time we met, and I know your journey must have been hard. So has mine. But we are at this time at a turning point, you are here at last and it`s time you get to know everything..." Catherine turned to the master and leaved a little sigh out of her mouth. "Do we have enough time?" she said. The master nodded "We`ll make time...this boy has been kept in the dark for too long!" "Why am I here?" I asked. "Because you are something I like to call A sentinel, The sentinel as a matter of fact. Your bloodline from the dark ages holds tremendously power, because you are related to something more powerfull than a GOD, something more sincere than a Devil, something more pure than an Angel.... You hold the blood of Omnigus, the ruler of the sixth universe. He came down to earth when there was just Adam and Eve to watch them as they brought destruction into the world. He was supposed to stop the entity that were created the moment Eve took a bite of the apple of death. A terrible force that no one could tame. We called it Therasia the unloved. Omnigus failed at his mission to destroy the evil, we dont know why. But we know he spilled a drop of his blood onto the ground of Tellus, and when it hit the ground, a special race of humans were born. Your ancestors...The Sentinels" "But why me?" my voice was trembling. "Because you were the one that got sick..." "What?" "Dont you remember things from your life on earth Wyverex? Do you remember how sad you were, how tired you were of existing...how you...tried to end your life?" "What the fuck are you saying! I dont remember that!" "I watched you closely because of the profety I got from the man you speak of as GOD, he sold me a map of your soul so I could snap you into our realm the exact moment...you died..." "D..died?" "Well it`s more complex than that, on earth you were this lost young boy who never fitted in any place. You were depressed and alone, so you created this alter ego, Wyverex if you like, to have someone there to help you. You created this beeing so strong because of your ancient powers that he eventually became the real thing, and when you tried to commit suicide I invited this beeing into my realm because that was the only moment I could bring you there, the first time we met. While the you on earth was kept alive by medicine and recovered, you were brought here to begin your own travel" "So basically your saying im just someones thought?" "Dont underestimate a good thought my friend, the you on earth always knew he was special in some way, and he`s well aware about you and your journey. He can see you in his dreams. He`s giving you all of his power so you can continue your mission..." "What mission?" "To destroy Therasia..." Catherine took hold of my other hand and absorbed my fear again. "Therasia is the one that`s burning down the village right now, all in all just to find you. Because he know`s you are here in our world, and he wont stop untill you are destroyed. You are the only one with the power to destroy him and he knows that" she said with a calm voice. "So he`s the big bad inside the master`s castle then?" "Yes, he stole my powers and my castle before he threw me as a cast away between dimensions. I had to go a long way to get back inside this world, with many tasks on the way. Catherine was my only contact by magiik here, I gave her instructions all the way about you and Therasia and everything. And at last I was able to sneak through the same way you came in here, the rainbow bridge" "Wait! you followed me?" "The whole time, but I couldnt interact with you untill now...I wish I could explain.." So basically he had just told me that I was a borderline thought in someones head back on earth that were pulled into another dimension when my earthly body tried to kill himself, just so I could use my powers to kill some ancient evil... Yeah, I felt fucked up.. "Have you noticed something Wyverex?" Catherine said and looked at me. "What?" "This is`nt your journal anymore... This is real now, you have crossed the border completely...that means your friend on earth is having trouble right now as we speak, Im afraid he`s going insane...and you are the only one who can restore his sanity..." The master told her not to speak of that right now, he claimed I was not still able to understand these things all too well, but he was wrong. Because I could feel it now how everything was connected somehow. I could feel my earthly body`s pain as if it were my own. We were one all of a sudden, a team in different places, and even if I was just a product of his insanity, I could feel this strong bond...love... Of course I would help him if I could... "I..I understand..." They both looked at me with curious eyes "I understand now... just tell me where to go from here..." ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ "The troops didnt find anything in the town sir... They searched every building and every corner, and they burried the people that got killed into mass-graves as you wished sir, there was no sight of the boy..." The soldier merely managed to stand still before Therasia when he saw the angry gaze in his eyes. "Are you going to let him talk to you like that, brother?" Therasia stood up from his throne and threw his hands in the air while chanting something, strange forgotten words. The soldier screamed the second before he bursted into flames and got spread across the floor as ashes. He walked across the ashes leaving footprints behind... "Where are you going?" Therasia stopped and laughed. "To a place I havent been in a long time, cause you see little sister, if I cant crush him in my realm, I can surely crush him in theirs..." HahahaHAhAhahAha... ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- But Therasia didnt know that he was expected... "He`s comming here you know, to get his hands on the boy`s dreams" Destiny walked down the dark hall with his chains making noise in the entire castle. "We must gather the family for this one, he`s stronger than last time" A dark shadow standing on the balcony, watching the glowing stars over his realm turned against his brother and said... "Of course, I`ll get a hold of them at once!" TO BE CONTINUED.... _WyX_ | | 3:33 am |
Gravenimage of Brave Hearts
Still haunted by your presence... Like the smoke I blow into the atmosphere, it keeps waving around like my head and everything inside of it. I know you are sleeping in some hotelroom by the edge of madness with whiskey on your breath. And everything is exactly how it`s supposed to be... Im still sick, going for the second week now with the flu or whatever. Im tired of this! Maybe I should see a doctor. Yeah as if I didnt have enough bills to pay.. Grrr... My roomie just annoys me when it comes to paying bills, I wonder when she`ll grow up and take some fucking responsibillity. Im so strung out of being yelled at by our landlord, as if it was my fault. And there`s no help around the house either...no but she`s good at eating cheese-doodles and watching TV. So I think maybe later this year Im going to look for an appartment of my own...Cause I dont know if I can live like this anymore... *Good luck finding a boyfriend* sorry to say it, but it`s true... I on the other hand am on my way up from the deep dark, where I have been this last decade. Im going to school soon, I have a new hobby, Im going to get my drivers licence this year hopefully (at least im gonna try) and I have all sorts of plans. This wednesday im going to borrow a laptop to carry around with me, that means I can write where-ever when-ever I want... And that`s gonna rock! Then im going to help my body getting well again, so I can kiss without being contageus. It`s weird having plans again... I remember some months ago where all I could see was nothing, and I just wanted to die because I knew there was no hope. I see now how easy one depression can lure a sick fool into dying... I thought I would be stuck in that circle forever... Well maybe I still am, I dont know... But it`s going in the right direction for once and Im cool with that. *Jack! I hope you die in barcelona;O) *Tom! Have a great time at white sensation in Amsterdam! It`s nearly morning here in norway, the weather forecast says RAIN and it`s tuesday. I cant sleep because I slept all day (I hate mondays)and when im awake like this I get bored allot. So writing this is like therapy for my soul. Afterwards I`ll read Poppy Z.Brites (Docbrite) blog on livejournal and check whats going on in her life right now. She always have wonderfull things to say... *Tori Amos- Cloud on my tongue* It was nice to see the chic LIVE at Norwegian Wood, she sparkled like the queen she is.. I`ll never forget that moment... God I miss touching his skin... I have a feeling he miss me too... :O) Happy July everyone! May all good things come our ways... Just remember to breathe and you`ll be just fine... _WyX_ | | Thursday, June 28th, 2007 | | 4:52 am |
Nothing fails
Tonight im sitting all alone with a high fever and a bad feeling in my stomach. It`s like im trapped inside this place of filth and gratitude. Filth because Im feeling shitty, not at all ready for anything and alone on the inside, and things I do that I dont really mean... And gratitude because I know tomorrow will come. I cant sleep, this fucking gay song UmBrellA waked me up from TV and gave me a nervous breakdown. I wont EVER awake that way again! And then I looked at my phone thinking "Should I?" "...No it`s too late...", but I really wanted to text message him. Instead I began to delete numbers from it one by one and came to remember people from my childhood, lost loved ones and old messed up classmates. We sure did some crazy things upon those years... And I suddenly got filled with this terrible emptyness as if it took a bite of my heart and swallowed it into oblivion. Time is the only thing that really scares me exept spiders. Because it`s never on my side... Ive had a fantastic summer, yeah Im still having one. Things have evolved from last year and Ive learned so much! Because Ive met these nice human beeings... But you know, I feel like all this good stuff is happening too fast, and Im barely catching up on last week... Besides Im in a radical situation right now that I cant really discuss here. I dont have anyone to talk to about it either. But it`s barely under controll right now, so Im keeping at it... But I really wish this would go away faster than speed itself, cause it`s leaving me behind as a fucking wreck. So much thinking, can`t sleep, irritation, fear...Yeah it`s pretty much just fucked up. If only I had the guts to send him a fucking text-message, I need to hear his voice...Maybe it would have calmed down my brain and filled me with that calm soft tranquillity like it always does. But he`s probably asleep right now... seems everyone are exept from me... But there`s so much I want to say... That I cant wait to see him again... Because I cant...it`s hard...on the inside...sometimes. *Carpenters- Rainy days & mondays* I wish I didnt feel so damn alone... _WyX_ | | Wednesday, June 27th, 2007 | | 5:04 am |
*-_Luminous Passion_-*
Lips, what`s not to love about them. Soft ones, dry ones even the most tortured ones. And there`s yours, the ones that makes me feel appreciated, almost hunted. The colour of them seeps into my eyes like something wet and delightful. Even your eyes turns all of my buttons into high speed, the rush of seeing them falling closer to my face as you close your lips around mine and have a good taste of my tongue. Of course they mach your perfect body, that makes me wanna explore every inches of you, head to toe...inside out... I want you to know that I would give up anything for you... Im in love If I could be the warm place in your heart that you could run to whenever you felt sad or miscalculated, lost or misunderstood. I would do anything to be such a thing. We could be everything togheter, at least my mind let`s me think so... Im sorry im beeing too honest sometimes, I dont wanna rush things, I just want to get to know the real you. Get inside your mind, your talk, your breathing.. And I want you to get to know me, when I find out myself... His smile...Oh fuck, I just melt in my stomach and get speechless everytime I see that smile. In wich he reveals passion and unspoken mysteries. And his hands when I touch them, feeling the warm energy I praise so much for keeping him alive. It`s easy to get a bit lost while experiencing such attraction, that luminous feeling of wanting to let someone inside. We all need someone inside in the end. I think im going crazy of wanting him...and I havent done that very much before. It`s like beeing the rabbit beeing chased by alice, she fell for curiosity...literary. But the rabbit just ran because he thought he had something else to do, like on purpose show her the magic rabbithole, where they both leaped to wonderland and became happy... I sometimes want to make a jump into that rabbithole, if not just to see what`s really down there... But then maybe I think sometimes that I`ve slipped on the edge and fallen into it already... Cause these things in my life that are happening are so unusual and intiminating. I wouldnt rest assure if I got hooked. But this isnt wonderland, this is earth...and we all have rainy days to survive... And there`s a storm brewing. But I have missed you tonight, your voice and eyes and lips and body and everything! I just thought you should know this.... .....and..... ....that if you want me, Im yours:O) <3 _Wyverex_ | | Saturday, June 2nd, 2007 | | 1:29 am |
For you...
I sit here all alone, it`s the middle of the night and all I can possibly think of is how you touched me last night, with your perfect hands and the smirk smile on your face. I havent seen the light recently, but all you had to do was to press your lips against mine and let the night be ours. It comes to me in small flashes, the sensation of finally getting to touch your naked skin, as I have been wanting to do since the first time I laid my eyes on you. I prayed for it to be special if it should ever happen, and it was more than that... I love your voice when you talk...I heard the frantic, sadness, chaotic and life spirit in your words. I see the shy-ness behind your eyes and that`s the part that makes me want you. Thank you, for rescuing me from time and this dark place... I still feel you inside of me...The picture of you when... I cant get it away, as if it`s tatooed on my brain. Your sexy naked body...It makes me speechless and filled with warm tender of the purest desire, something so intense it hurts when you`re not around. And I think I want you more and more because I might be in love with you on a early kind of stage. I cant sort it out right now, because my head`s a mess and Im too afraid... They scared me you know, the other people I have been with...in all kinds of way`s and I dont know why but Im beeing cautious. But when I see you, all I want to do is to be everything but cautious. Like I sense your a decent guy, very kind, calm and gently, with a hidden wild side... And the thought of that makes me hope you are the one for me... I see myself falling in love, and having you beside me when I wake up every morning seems like everything I want at the moment. A dream...a fucking goal... Cause boy, I dont think there`s much in this world I would`nt do for you;O) I want to do this right for once...cause I see something special in your eyes, something I want to treasure and take care of for a long time...and I havent felt like this for a long time. Im still scared, Im not good enough, good looking enough, am I boring maybe... Im afraid to talk about my life, because I have all of this dark past hanging over my head like a raincloud ready to wash me with tiny drops of pain and it has left me so fucked up these past years...Im just so afraid...afraid of beeing misunderstood when im down... I really miss you tonight... I wish I was curled up in your arms, having your breath in my neck as I feel your breathing stomach against my back. Waiting patiently to hear you talk in your sleep...Then I would stroke your hand, hoping you felt safe with me...in the dark...Yeah, I miss you:O) So thank you for the most incredible night in my life, it shall never be forgotten...I shall treasure it for the rest of my life... Because you are the most wonderfull thing in my life right now... *Kisses* -_-_---WyX---_-_- So I have a high amount of XTC in my body that wont run out of power it seems. Well it was some good shit from Amsterdam (witch Im going to tell you all about one of these days) and it`s really a struggle cause Im having these "real-life" dreams when im sleeping... Well, I guess it`ll be out of my system soon... In the mean time im tripping out in my sleep... Im going to school next autumn, so I guess there`s a big chapter in my life ahead past this summer. Im not sure how I feel about that, but I know im more than willing to try. Looks like im going to be a cooking chef;Op Could be fun.. I dunno.. My priority is to get to know this amazing boy much better, hoping he wants the same...a few great concerts like Sonata and DreamTheater and then theres this trip to Paris in september. Other than that im just trying to keep myself healthy and "Brain-better" (if that`s a word) Cause you know, im done with people playing games with me, it`s time to take back some controll in my life. It`s time to grow... So...I think maybe I have to get some air, and think about him some more.. somehow, I just cant.... ....stop smiling! *Tori Amos- I dont like mondays* _WyX_ | | Monday, April 23rd, 2007 | | 4:25 pm |
Once you go black, you want your test-result`s back....
I was wondering what topic I should say some words about today, and I didnt find anything exiting. Once you go black, your kids gonna smoke crack... *INXS-Unbelieveable* I got that Avenue Q song on my mind *Everyone`s a little bit racist* ---hater selvangivelse--- *Brad pasley- Whiskey lullaby* And finally drank away her memory... So I just filled some poetry pepper in a foreign stupid know-it-all pshyciatrist today, He`s been buggering me for some days now, telling me how useless I am. And today I really had enough and I hope for christ sake he got a wake up call. I hate people that thinks they know everything. Dont lecture me about my way of life, I have my special way`s of getting even. I did the dish, I went to the store, I watched DOOL and Oprah (which btw made me burn to help children slaves) and inspired me to write a novel. *Three days grace- Get out alive* Tommorow I`m gonna get something to get high on. It`s been too long, and I need it so fucking bad. The last three weeks have been an emotional hell. And Im still cleaning up the mess... But it feels, you know.. lighter... One could say Im a cola zero... (an ugly soda without sugar?) *Three days grace- Over and Over* I see now that I have to fill my days with more than Dvd`s, playstation and microwave lasagna. Just two more days untill my "so called" income comes blessing my bank-account. And that`s the day my life will begin.. It`s spring everybody... the winter`s gone! *CHEER THE FUCK UP* :OD *Whigfield- Sexy eyes* Ey, that`s the song I remember best from my childhood. The early 90`s... I think it was 94 acctually... I still see me and my best friend shake our booty`s to this one.. *Smiles* besides it still brings me upbeat... Ohoh ahah, sexy eyes;O) *E-type- Far up in the air* Still focusing on the sweet 90`s. You know, the 90`s held that dance happy revolution thingie quite strong. Today it`s all about the BANG BANG, but back then they could make you smile and dance at the same time... That`s not something you get these a days... Awwww *Nena and Kim Wilde- Anyplace, Anywhere, Anytime* I FreaKiNg LOve This SONG! I loved Kim Wilde in the late 80`s, and this song has been a GRuNder for ever so long... You just have to Move..jump jump a little higher;O) -Drawn togheter by a flame;O) Besides, the dutch english crossover is perfectly thinking happy thoughts... I mean, after Hitler, Germany made Happy Hardcore to keep their minds in a wonderous place. It`s really admireable if you stop and think of it... I understand... But I strongly dont listen to Happy Hardcore, that`s not matching my ears too well... *Startovarius- Stratosphere/ Destiny* The two best songs from the lovely fin`s in Finland... LonG LIvE ROcK & RoLl!!! Ah, I love music... No music, No life... Have crappy MonDaY _WyVeREx_ | | Sunday, April 15th, 2007 | | 10:34 pm |
If everyone cared
I dont know anything anymore, I feel so lost inside everything. Nothing turned out right, or maybe just a little. I dont know the people I want to hang around with, I`ve lost contact with my friend`s. It`s too hard to find new ones and I dont have the motivation to find them at all... I want to be alone, but when Im alone I miss somebody around. I dont like the things I used to love before, it`s like Ive changed too much, I dont even reqognize myself anymore. I go from day to day and I forget about allot. I dont even remember what I did yesterday or the day before last week... And as I try to look ahead, I only see Tidy Boys and nothing more... Money and beer and sunshine. (And if this were a month ago that would be enough to keep me happy, but it`s not anymore) I want a life, I want great friends, I want love.... The trip up north really fucked with my head this time, the place is a still-picture of everything that went wrong in my life (that no matter how I run, will always be a part of me) I cant believe how sick it all makes me feel sometimes. How things that happened six years ago can make me fall upon my knees this very day still. The anguish of things will never change comes every now and then, and it`s hard not to focus on them, but I try my best. That`s just all I can do right now... *AIR- Remember* I have lost so much lately, the contact with myself and earth. Feels like im just flying around in some empty space nowadays. And I try to cut loose ends in certain relationships (witch is painfull but very necessery) And things someone said to me has utterly confused me... But I`ll write about that one another time. Right now I just wish I had someone who could hold me tight and protect me from the attacking world. The attacking seconds and bullets of reality... People think Im self-destructive, that`s a lie... I was tho, but all I do now is trying to get away from all that. And it`s not fun when nobody even tries to care enough to see that, or call me sometime to cheer me up. I dont ask for much, and I never hardly need anyone. But when I sometimes do, it seems like no ones there. No one to call to, no one to escape with to the woods, no one to make sweet memories with. And there`s nothing so cruel than to feel alone to the very bone. Still, I may not live an innteresting life... Or maybe I do sometimes... I am never so ordinary that anyone can see how ordinary I feel inside (cause that`s not much to see) I am too dumb, I am too smart.... *Alanis M- Excuses* And I always feel worse after writing about how bad things are, so that`s why Ive been away for awhile. But Im coming back with babysteps, so chill... Im gonna go fishing for a happy thought now, somewhere else. So thank you for bearing with me these couple of minutes, I really appreciate it if you`d stop by again;O) _Wyverex Aucthor_ | | Monday, April 9th, 2007 | | 5:54 am |
Wormillion
That`s right boys and girls, Im back... So it`s been awhile, meanwhile I have managed to almost find love, lost it, almost found it again, been called a slut (in a place you really dont want to be called a slut), been in London, tried to buy beer and coke (yes coke the drinking type) in the bar during Avenue Q (Lucy..the slut..hehe) Ya all know, the fucking usual... Now I am finding myself in my second home up north (my "birthplace" referred to as) and Ive been here for almost a week. Well im happy when thinking "Thank you LOOORD that this week is nearly over and I have a "home" waiting for my presence" It`s been a wild ride, but you know.. I did buy the ticket;Op (And all the dumbnuts that havent seen Fear & loathing just didnt take that one) Well, much has happened lately. And at some point it all went OUT-OF-CONTROLL... I like to be the one controlling my body and mind, so I have a hell of allot of work to do when I come "home" I going the up-down-up-down-down-down-up ride thees-a-days, can you imagine that? I`ve been jealous a couple times this week, and I am never jealous...Jealous means to me that "that" somebody meant a whole lot more to me than I realised before it was too late... and thats shit... But I dont care, what can I do? I fought, I battled, I lost... Im a bit nervous for this next one tho.. That`s a wildcat...and they tend to leave scratchmarks... So we`ll just see... I was thinking just a while ago; Is`nt it just cool to learn how to live your life alone? Cause not all of us has the pleasure of getting married and have the car filled with kids...(life purpose in a nutshell) Many tend to just end up alone, not because they have problems finding sex or anything, but it`s hard to find the guy you want to wake up with in the morning and make breakfast to, maybe a quickie in the shower and go off to a deacent job.. the guy where everything just matches like a hand in a sock. (may you love that somebody and dont care about the smell...) It`s just not everything one can do to be so fucking perfect all the time. Im sick of people`s mindless going on about everything has to be so sexy and ...like there ever was a standard geek, goth, raver, christan or ever just a plain man with a beertummy... I like to think of alone as in self-healing, because theres not a soul that can help me anymore. Look at me! I see my face in the mirror (god forbid) and I dont know that person anymore, it`s not the real me! And I fear it..I hate it.. So go on, go on your stupid dates, I truly hope you find someone (but a little tip; keep them well informed about your ex-posse-girlfriend before you go lurking inside their minds like that. I could have loved you, and you knew that and still you said nothing! Not a damn fucking word! Pushed me so far away I though I was going to loose it... Still I hope you liked your date, and I`ll try to find some relief in mine if he`ll let me do that) somehow I dont think so, because my world and his world has spawned two lost souls in very different ways. So im glad we met, im glad I could see your eyes and hear your voice (wich I still hear before I go to sleep at night) afraid the day comes and you arent there anymore you either... What`s up with me and guys? really? Are they scared of me or should I be more scared of them? I dont know, i am really down right now... thought`s a mess... And this shitty place teares me down like there was no tomorrow, I dont do any good up here. Theres always just some dissapointment after another, and my head feels like falling sideways because of the sleepingpill allert I just got ("saying GO TO BED NOW") I have shitloads to re-organize back home, and im going to loose myself inside it... The risk is that im never comming back in ways you can understand. But if this is my future, I swear to god...It`s my last showdown... Thank god for Tri¤¤¤N he`s my best friend in aid in a time like this. The movement has begun... Our master has tried to reach me in my sleep. Something about the chosen ones, they are too few... We must find many more, I found one recently..but look around for strangness in norway and mail me ok? If you are a true follower of him, you know what i am talking about..E-mail me now... God, All i want is to meet my family... i know your out there...come and find me! Because IT has BEGUN! seriously the right year, the right stars. The prophecy... and as my computer seemed to be melting away, I think I have to go to bed now... _WyVEreX_ | | Saturday, February 3rd, 2007 | | 1:30 am |
And the game turns....
Remember I said once before how things just suddenly happen? Remember I said once before how things just suddenly happen? **WHOOA DEJA VU** (No doubt- im just a girl) And yes, the game turns here because I said so... Something in the making here. I guess february will teach me a whole lot of stuff I never learned in January. And im really looking forward to meet my new family... _WyX_ | | Thursday, January 25th, 2007 | | 1:19 am |
#True life#
Lights of euphoria- True life (VnV nation remix) Placebo- Where is my mind (the pixies) So, my birthday is over... Apparently so is the flame with my boything. Im a bit messed up right now, dont know what to do. Dont know what to say, who to call, where to go... Im such a fool... Why did I even consider it to be a good idea to fall in love in the first place. I knew right from the start my heart would be broken again..again and again.. That sure never fails EVER! I feel like crying, because all I wanted so bad just said No to ....everything.... I sure did scare him away, because of my stupid past. All because of every idiot that has hurt me from the day I was born. Now they have ripped away the only thing I thought would save me from it all... And is`nt it ironic...dont ya think? The sad thing is I felt it comming, I just knew... I always knew... Still I had to let my feelings flow around with a stupid wish it would turn out right. What`s wrong with me? Why am I so goddamn naive? I know I`ll never be happy... Im too complicated for this world... This hurts...ouch... What if I were to give up right now? And just fall into peace...eternal peace? You know, I have no wishes or hopes for this life... Hell I was`nt supposed to be here in the first place... I got to be raped into birth.. Juhuu lucky me.. But even if I want it too badly right now, I just cant... I have to continue the road alone, with my face pointed to the ground... Without any reason at all to live... I cant live because my friends want`s me alive.. Hell I see them what like ONCE a year? That`s not good enough... Im not suicidal.. I just want to give up on life... Because life has surely given up on me and dont anyone dare say otherwise! I know pain... That`s pretty much all I know since nobody will teach me the opposite.. GODDAMMIT! I think I loved the guy, and now he wants us to be friends... A non sexual friend relationship (in wich im very gratefull, still kinnda hurts..) I think... ...I think my heart just broke never to be restored ever again... Now how`s that for a birthday present? Yes...I`ll never let myself fall in love again.. I`ll rather die than this... I cant take it anymore.. It has to end... I`ll never find you... I`ll never find you... Im too sick of looking... Im too sick... Nobody want`s a sick guy... I dont think I have ever hated myself this badly before... Thank you all for doing this to me... I really appreciate your honesty and all...it just makes me want to die, but hey.. Im not ready for this kind of deppression, I can feel it even now..how everything inside me, every single fiber just strangle me. Tomorrow`ll be even worse...And the day after and so on.. Im scared I wont recover at all this time... I really believed I had found this one great thing in my life... Hell I even prepared myself for having kids for christ sake... Im back with nothing again, just more broken stuff... And now it feels like I was just naive...a fool...the foolest of fools... *Lifehouse- Walking away* I know all about love and how bitch it can be... If I cant have you...then this was my last try... So I guess what im saying is, either I have to try keep myself alive and alone untill the day I throw myself in front of some train when im sixty something... Or.. This time Im afraid I cant promise anything to anyone.. I hate this feeling... The feeling of a world that has ended before it began... What the fuck do I do now? Just leave me alone for the rest of my life... You`re all just bastards...stupid fucking human bastards and I wont have it.. Im not a part of you anymore! _WyX_ | | Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 | | 9:18 am |
Griever
Happy birthday to meee *singing* Happy birthday to ME! That`s right Im turning a year older today. Should be fun... There`s only two of my friends that has remembered so far. And I mean it, if someone forgets this year Im going to be very dissapointed. (No I wont, trust me I forget myself all the time:O) We`re just going to relax with cake and food, nothing big... I was hoping to see my boything tho... Other than that, It`s going to be great having money again. Ive been broke since X-mas... I have so much Im going to buy, Finally I found cheap stuff that I want:O) *Soundtrack: RMB- Reality (Voodoo & Serano remix)* I`ll be mixing new songs very soon, so keep track on my Esnips site. http://www.esnips.com/web/Dj-wYx-remixesTop 5 songs: Neo-Kick (101 views) Sexy Twilight (66 views) Genesis (38 views) Magic Muffin (26 views) Visions of Metal (25 views) Please rate or comment my site *Spread the word* *:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*_WyX_*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*: *:*:*:* Happy birthday to meeeeee... 21. | | Saturday, January 20th, 2007 | | 12:44 am |
Andromeda Imbesile
So I guess if you put your head in a microwave you can talk to GOD.... That my type of humor, That`s what I wanted to write about this time: MY Type Of Humor! Some would say it sucks worse than a child with a new lollipop... Some would die for more... For instance, I go once a week to a coffeeshop. I buy myself a hot-chocolate and sit my ass down in some corner. The elders are about to come running the joint down, So I sit and watch carefully as the hordes of hell are sneaking past the Dinner signs. They come in flocks, first wave...The somewhat healthy ones who could scratch their own eyes out to hear some gossip. Second wave, The ones with broken legs and somekind of sickness, the sickness of beeing old. They are the ones with the whitest hair you can ever imagine! Third wave, The ones in the wheelchairs! The ones that look completely DEAD! They come in and occupate the whole fucking place, talking with their long nasal voices... I watch them carefully with my hot-chocolate well placed in one hand...I drink it up and I toss the porcelain stained cup straight in some old guy`s head, I watch it crack open his skull and the blood smearing the walls around... And I laugh! I laugh hard and brutal against the fucking white heared monsters around me "Let me out of here!!! You fucking critters!!!!" *Please note this story was fictional, and only fictional* My type of humor cant be explained to be out of the ordinary... Some take it and some dont, life`s your coat..man... _WYx_ | | Thursday, January 18th, 2007 | | 11:03 pm |
| | 1:08 am |
| | Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 | | 9:43 pm |
MonoStereo
Hey there, It`s just me again...Jumping out from the corner of madness... I have fever, and the worst stomack-ache ever.. Do you think it will ever stop? IM having a slightly vacation from the rest of humanity tho... That feels great! MonoFace: http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21413Im bored and this was funny:OD _WyX_ | | Monday, January 15th, 2007 | | 11:15 pm |
#Stoneworld II#
Yeah, exactly... http://www.shroomery.org/6315/Trip-ClipsWouldnt it be nice tho? To see exactly where everything is... To love and hold him before the moon, to eat fairies all winter long... To see earth destruction with tearfull eyes, to be forgotten when nobody tries... To eat chocolate... ...And spit out the mint.... _wyX_ | | Sunday, January 14th, 2007 | | 9:00 pm |
¤Stoneworld¤
Im a bit happy, I see people have listened to my songs.. Some have even been favorited! That means someone out there must like it, and it keeps it all worth while dooing. So yeah *spread the word* I was wondering if I was going to do a mix tonight, I dont know yet. Im bored out of my mind... My boy thing is just as strange. Something suddenly hit me; Why do I allow this to happen to myself? All he does is tell me to wait for something that may OR may not happen. If he was truly in love with me, he wouldnt have said that. So I guss I am the one in love...again.. Hopless again...again.. I really should cut it straight off right here, my heart aint beeing treated the way it deserves, thats why I`ve felt pain since the day he first began talking about his ex.. I want someone who can love me..and me only... But sure I have time, but what do I wait for? I dont know his feelings for me at all... I know he cares, but is there a slighty chance it might be some kind of romantic care? I wish I knew... Cause it dont feel that way, not now... He`s beeing too honest about things, so honest it seems cold... Soundtrack: Pink Floyd- Coming back to life/Hoobastank- The reason I tried to ask my friend to get some advice, but he was a downer: vente på hva?? enten er han interisert nok i deg og da vil han ha deg nå - ellers så er han så fersk som singel og da vil han uten å selv være klar over det sammenligne xn med deg på godt og vondt.. det er sånt man ikke klarer å bestemme selv , det er bare sånn :-) The thing that hit me is how awfully true it is... If he really liked me, he would also have wanted to be with me now... So does that mean im just a puppet? A sex toy??! I dont mind that... But I cant be in love with someone who uses me like that... But thats just the thing, we`re just fucking good friends on a date... Im sick of this... Would you just DECIDE man! Either you like me OR you dont! Easy as that!? I just wish he would understand I need some kind of hope if he wants me to stick around... It doesent neccesarily have to be promise that we`re going to be togheter for the rest of our lives, but rather he`d just ask me to be a part of his life... I`d really like that.. This isnt me beeing selfish, I know he`s got lots of things on his mind right now. Im a bit sad Im not one of them, but I understand. I try to atleast... But I think too much sometimes, all the time sometimes. And I just want him, because I think Im very much in love. So how can I act otherwise? Should I act otherwise? I dont know anything anymore... Pretty much, it hurts that he has feelings for someone else... It makes me angry...so GOD damn angry... *Michael Buble- How can you mend a broken heart* Otherwise, I have just been a playstation junkie today. Anything to try forget.. My "friend" is busy busy tired, and "sure tomorrow we`ll meet" Yeah righty... Anyway I just needed a break..again.. Before my mom`s coming next friday, and my birthday coming up. My roomie starts her new job as a hairdresser tomorrow, that means I`ll have the whole night alone. And that could be fine, if I play my cards right... Wonder if I hear anything from my boy "thing", im sure I do.. I had nothing more to say so... _WyX_ | | Friday, January 12th, 2007 | | 5:41 pm |
Yanko Pitch
Im feeling dizzy... I may have some fever and something hurt`s inside my chest. I`d rather it be angst than lung cancer... But you never know... I thought the abillify would help, I guess it takes a while. No worries, Im not getting panic attacks...tho my heart seems a bit more jumpy after taking them. I think the panic attacs are triggered if I consentrate on the sound of my heart. That makes me aware that it`s there, and it could stop anytime... So if I listen to some music and fall asleep it`s ok... Or, in my dreams another hell begins... Today I dreamt about hurricanes, Im standing in this cabin up in the mountains with my father (or he I thought was my father for a long time) We are talking for the first time in many years, he shows me pictures of his two cats that are long gone now and pictures from last christmas.He talks about dooing something with the floor in the kitchen. (somebody died on that floor once upon a time) He tells me he forgot to bring the dog`s leash to the cabin so the dog has to stay inside (whatever that means in dreamworld) I make myself a sandwich, im hungry from the walk in the snow... He told me stories all the way, and I realised how much I`ve been missing him since the day I cut him off from my life...The day I found out he was`nt my daddy after all... But a sudden storm hit the air outside, leading me into another dream about something else. I tried to seek shelter from the storm, but all I found was empty houses...even at my friend`s place... From then my dream get`s chaotic. From this to that... I remember wanting a cigarette but not finding one... I guess my head is still sick... But I hope the abillify allows me to keep it under controll... It`s friday and im almost broke. I have just enough for a new round of food and I`m stallin.. I really wish GOD would send me a sixpack of beer from heaven and put into my fridge... If GOD is so great, would`nt he have the power to do such a thing? Soundtrack: Ladytron- Soft Power (Witching hour) My roomie on the other hand has become a Playstation junkie... Skipping work and all for the benefit of Kingdom Hearts II..hehe.. I knew I`d get her hooked, just like I introduced her to smoking... Im such a bastard...:O) *Evil* So..what do one do on a friday when beer is not an option? It`s twelve days untill my birthday today... Im going to be 21 this year... Im getting old... Miss you boy "thing"... _WYX_ | | 3:13 am |
Sounds like nine hours
Yeah, I just finished a bottle of wine and a cup of tea w/booze... Soundtrack: Lichtenfels- Sounds like a melody And I just wanted to say; DAMN YOU! Damn you for keeping me alive... Im not afraid to do anything, I have svoren this year to be the greatest ever.. And Damn me right if it aint.. I have two secrets, one of them contains me in front of a camera and the other one I can`t tell... Yeah, in february i`m going to act as a fucking model. Maybe... That is im going to meet up with a photographer and find out. Im thinking, trashy gothlike pictures... Maybe some in the nude, maybe not.. I havent desided yet... As im only living once I wont do something I`d regret... But hell, I`ts me we`re talking about! The other one should be fun as it involves some serious travelling... But you dont know that...:OD Yeah to hell with my landlord! I`m smoking inside... It`s cold outside! There`s fucking snow out there...brrr! Tomorrow mifgt be fun tho, finally I got in touch with a good friend of mine... He always makes my life funnier than it is. To you: yes you from far away who sometimes writes a comment in my journal (I cant remember your nickname) I know you read my journal from time to time, and I`ve been thinking lately... I want to know more about you, and who you are... So please add me to your msn (if you use msn) Wyverex_thedragon@hotmail.com!!! And dont be afraid to keep in touch... You seem like...very nice.. I`ve read your blog a couple of times... Nice dude:O) You know who you are, contact me! As to my boy "friend", I really miss him... I wonder if he miss me too.... I bet he does... I wish I had money, cause I really want to buy him a romantic gift... I miss the way he touch me and kisses me and dont say anything when we`re sitting togheter... I miss the words "Me kommer tel å dø..." I miss the muscles in his sexy body... I miss the cravings of ripping his guts open so I can love the inside of his body...heehee:OP (EvIl) ((reading Poppy Z Brite didnt make me any saner)) I miss how he always takes me so damn serious... I miss him...that`s all... And the fact`s he`s so busy I can`t see him really tease`s my nervousystem! Why does love-heart`s taste like crap? I mean the candy has really sweet thinking behind it but UUUGH, it tastes like a nuclear bomb just went on in my mouth! *Keep it tidy: traffic Jam 2007* @looking forward too@ So yeah, im a bit drunk... and life`s great:O) _WyX_ |
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